Why the demographic shift happening in the church right now might be the most strategic moment for discipleship in decades
Comedian John Mulaney once joked on SNL that Jesus’s greatest miracle was not walking on water or raising the dead. It was being an adult male in his 30s who had 12 best friends.
The audience laughed because everyone knows the truth: most men stink at building and maintaining friendships. It is hard, awkward, and many simply don’t do it.
But pastors are walking around the church each Sunday counting the men. And they are surprised by what they see.
Something Unprecedented Is Happening
For the first time in recent history, men are attending church at higher rates than women. According to Barna, 43% of U.S. adult men report attending church weekly, compared to 36% of women. This is the largest gender gap in favor of men ever observed.
More specifically, married dads and young Gen Z men are leading the charge.
Walk through your church lobby on Sunday morning. You will see men everywhere: greeting, running sound, teaching kids, setting up chairs. Men serve in student ministry, lead small groups, volunteer in kids ministry, show up to marriage classes, and plug into recovery programs. They’re woven into nearly every area of church life.
What you don’t see is an intentional discipleship pathway designed for them.
The Problem We Have Not Solved
While men show up everywhere, they are receiving little to no direct discipleship investment. We have spent decades building systems assuming women would always outnumber men. We built women’s ministry teams, women’s conferences, women’s small group curricula. And hear me say: all of that is good and necessary.
But now the trend has reversed, and most of us are unprepared. Less than 10% of American churches have a sustainable men’s ministry. We are offering men a seat in the back row and a handshake on the way out. We have assumed they are fine, that they do not need community, that they will figure it out.
They are not fine.
Today’s dads are more involved with parenting than any generation in recent history. A fact that should be celebrated. But it also means they’re always on, always needed, always responsible. And yes, more women working means this increased demand is happening for both parents. Many men in their late 30s to mid-50s are raising young kids while caring for aging parents, stretching the “sandwich generation” thin emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Beneath it all is a quiet, chronic loneliness.
If you’re familiar with Rob Kenney’s YouTube channel “Dad, How Do I?”, you’ve seen this hunger. He teaches simple life skills like changing a tire and tying a tie. Millions follow him because most men feel embarrassed to admit what they don’t know.
The same dynamic is rampant in our churches. We have men who have attended for 10, 15, even 20-plus years but don’t really know how to read their Bible, pray, or spiritually lead their family. They’re too embarrassed to admit they’re unsure. The result? Thousands of men who want to grow, who want to step up, but don’t know what to do because no one ever showed them how.
The Lie About Men
There is also a common assumption that men do not want relationships, that they do not want to talk, that they do not want community. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Twice a year we host a men’s event with a few hundred guys. We have rented an axe-throwing truck, transformed a lobby into an 80s arcade, turned a room into an archery dodgeball arena. (And by the way, women want to have fun too, which is why our women’s team rented that same axe throwing truck for their event last year.) Even with all of that, do you know what the most popular activity is?
Sitting around tables talking with each other.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Men want fun, sure. But what they crave most is authentic community.
In 2024 we ran focus groups with men of various ages and life stages. One surprising finding: younger men deeply desire relationships with older men, not in formal mentoring programs, but in organic relationships where they can ask questions when real life happens. They want older men they can call when something breaks at home, when they feel insecure about their job, when they’re unsure how to discipline a child. They don’t want a lecture. They want men who will walk with them.
Men in our culture have been put down, mocked, and dismissed for years. This does not mean men have not caused real harm at times. But shame is not a discipleship strategy. Most men do not need to be torn down. They need to be called up. They want purpose, mission, brotherhood, and clarity.
The Question Every Pastor Needs to Ask
So here is the question: What would happen if we actually built discipleship pathways for the men who are already walking through our doors? What if this demographic shift is not just a trend but a once-in-a-generation opportunity?
Why This Matters More Than You Think
When you disciple men intentionally, you do not just transform individual lives. You multiply impact across every area of church health.
When men grow spiritually, it lightens the load on church staff. When husbands learn to resolve conflict biblically, counseling needs decrease. When dads disciple their kids, student ministry has fewer crises. When men create friendships, loneliness-driven pastoral needs shrink. Healthy men help carry the weight of ministry alongside you.
For decades, sociologists and missiologists have studied religious conversion and family systems, and one finding rises to the top repeatedly: when a father comes to Christ, the likelihood of the entire family following increases dramatically. Parents provide roughly 3,000 to 4,000 hours of influence per year in the home compared to 40 hours of church programming. If you disciple the men of the church, you multiply the influence of the church in the next generation.
Fatherlessness contributes to poverty, incarceration, academic struggles, and substance abuse. Discipling men equips them to break generational cycles and become spiritual fathers to those who lacked one.
This is not about prioritizing men at the expense of anyone else. It’s about recognizing that if you strengthen the men, you strengthen the whole church.
And the men? They are ready.
What Actually Works
Ministry to men must become a church-wide priority. And I know that sounds like another thing to add to your already overwhelming list, but stay with me. My goal is to lessen your load.
The paradigm shift: from “men’s ministry” to “ministry to men.”
Everything your church does that touches men is ministry to men. Men are already everywhere. The question is whether they are being intentionally discipled where they are. Men’s events and groups are catalytic moments that create momentum, but the effective approach integrates men’s discipleship into the entire culture of your church.
Think of it this way: men’s ministry creates the spark. Ministry to men sustains the flame.
The progression: invest, disciple, unleash.
You do not need a budget or staff position to begin. Start with prayer. Then have a catalytic event. A Saturday breakfast. Something simple that casts vision. If you need help, join us. We host “Sharpen” events each January and August.
Move immediately to a short-term small group. Six to eight weeks. Let relationships form around a table. Then transition men into long-term community where they grow together and hold each other accountable.
Here is the critical piece: as men grow, they serve. They pour into other men. They lead in ministry areas. They disciple their families. A healthy ministry to men does not create a separate subculture. It creates men who strengthen every area of the church.
The single greatest obstacle is not programs. It is mentors. Men are longing for the guidance of an older man who has walked ahead of them. Programs cannot do this. Only relationships can.
The Opportunity Standing Right in Front of You
The most overlooked discipleship opportunity in the church today is standing right in front of you: walking into your services, dropping kids off, serving behind the scenes, sitting quietly in the back.
For the first time in decades, more men are showing up than women. Married dads and young men are leading the way. This is your moment. It is time to stop assuming men are fine and start building pathways for their growth.
Because when you build men, you build families. When you build families, you build the church. And when you build the church, you change generations.
This is not just a ministry opportunity. This is a Kingdom opportunity. And the future of your church might depend on whether you seize it.
If this was helpful and you would like to connect with us to discuss this more, you may reach Matt Winter, Mission Hills Church Men’s + Life Group’s Associate Director, at mwinter@missionhills.org.
